When you want something, you want it really bad. But even more so, when you want something that you can’t have, you want it in a way that paralyzes you. Every fiber of your being is being gravitationally pulled towards the object of your affection; meanwhile your brain is attempting to squash your ID from you acting like an irrational idiot. Oh it’s just emotions, taking me over…
Why does this have to happen? It is just like when your mother used to tell you to not spoil your appetite before dinner with those delectable chocolate chip cookies maliciously staring at you from the cookie jar. You didn’t really want one in the first place, but then the second she told you that you were not allowed to have one, you instinctively ate the whole box! Not only did this ruin your appetite for dinner, you also gained 5 pounds from eating these butter-laden pieces of food-crack. It is just an all around bad thing.
Now I bring you front and center to my dilemma. The person that I am head over heels for is not akin to a butter-laden piece of food-crack that will cause me gain an unmentionable amount of weight and leave me looking like Jabba the Hut. He is however quite the opposite; he is a true southern gentleman. He is an incredibly sweet, attractive, attentive, smart, and dedicated gymnast who is studying to be an engineer.
Now one would say “Well what the hell is wrong with this situation?! He sounds perfect!” Now let’s get our biggest problem out of the way; he is 850 miles away from where I am. He’s a sophomore in college and I am just about one year out of undergrad and headed to Medical School in the fall.
God likes to play mean tricks, and they make them in the form of incredibly hot blonde gymnasts who offer you everything that you have ever wanted in a man.
Things like this make me want to punch God in the face. Hard.
We have always joked that we were each other’s “back up” plans since we live so far away from one another, but he recently came to visit me for a holiday break and our once unattainable fantasy was defibrillated to life by the most amazing few days I have ever had. We always knew we would get along, but we never imagined how perfect it would actually feel.
The days of his visit went quickly, and he went back home for the Holidays and I couldn’t help but feel like a piece of me died when he left. It was one of those serendipitous moments where you can not help but try to perpetuate that very moment when you realize “What the hell was I doing before I met this person?”
I already have a plane ticket bought to go visit him in a few weeks, and I’m sure he’ll visit me again, but I know that seeing him more is only going to exacerbate our current situation. Exacerbate… like liking someone is the same thing as having a sickness that is a life threatening illness. These weekend visits will without a doubt be the paragonical (neologism alert!) definition of “bittersweet”. On one hand, I get to have the pure bliss and honeymoon type feelings of a weekend away from reality with a sexy elite gymnast … but then once my visit is over I have to face the raw and ugly face of reality punching me in the face, telling me that I have to go back to being 750 miles away from perfection and go back to being utterly alone. These two distinct realities are enough to make someone smile endlessly and vomit profusely all at the same time. It’s a horribly amazing feeling.
Now I know that perfection does not truly exist. Believe me, I’ve been in enough long term relationships to have a firm grasp on the fact that no one is indeed ‘perfect’ for you. I also know that the notion that there is ‘one true love’ is complete and utter bullshit. However, I’m just going to roll with the idea that this guy breaks the mold. Let me live in my fantasy for as long as I want to, please.
Sure, there are the thousands of text messages exchanged, the HeyTell messages where you can hear his voice, and the endless Skype Video chats that are so real that you try to reach through your computer screen multiple times to simply try and touch him…but nothing will compare to ever just being there and holding him…doing absolutely nothing but just soaking up his presence. Now that sentence definitely makes me sound “Swim Fan” status crazy, but I assure you that I am not. I just get very passionate about what I find important.
Like Macaroni and Cheese (important enough to be a proper noun in my world) and learning a second language.
Now the absolutely sickening part for me is that I never feel like this; I am such a rational person that my friends get mad at me for being able to make decisions so rashly based upon the pure factual data encompassing the situation. But for one of the first times in my life I cannot rely upon rationality for my decision-making, and most certainly not for my happiness.
Lord knows that this rationality has completely failed me thus-far.
I know what I want, and what I want just happens to be very far away from me and that sucks. My whole life has been met by adversity and challenges and this sure as hell is not any different.
Everyone always says “Well you never know! It could happen! I believe that if it’s meant to be, it will happen!” This is VERY true, but it’s not just going to happen on its own accord. You have to set in place very distinct and thought out processes in order to get what you want to happen; no one ever became successful by leaving it all to chance.
A truly lucky man creates his own luck and I intend to take what is rightfully mine. So I say fuck the 850 miles, my definition of happiness and a relationship with someone doesn’t have to be defined by social norms. Obviously I wish it were more normal, but when you find someone who you really think is perfect for you, you should never leave it to chance because someone else will swoop in and take what they think is theirs.
Because girl, I will cut you.
*I realize that this isn’t crude, sexual, or in any way like Tucker Max. You’ll just have to suck it. There we go!